Friday, January 4, 2013
Thoughts Under A Starry Night
Cross-cultural communication is a tricky thing, unless you know the same language of the person you are communicating with. Brilliant is an 18-year-old native here in Madagascar and is one of our translators here on this trip. It seems like each day he surprises me with something new. Tonight it was profound wisdom...
This week I've thought about relationships a lot more than what I've allowed myself to in the past couple months. For those of you who know me well, I have a big heart for marriage. Ever since my last breakup every morning I've gotten into the habit of waking up early and having my quiet time. At the end of the prayer section of my quiet time I always end that section the same way: praying for my future wife. I don't know where she is and I definitely do not know who she is, but I always ask that the Lord will keep her safe wherever she is; that He will guide her in big decisions and that He will protect her from harm and evil. Since I have a passion for pastoral ministry, I pray for her to be ok with doing ministry alongside me, dealing with the stress of discipleship and people in general. In the end I ask God to be preparing both of us for each other before, according to his own time table, we finally cross paths.
It's funny that I can be hundreds of miles away from home and still find myself thinking about things pertaining to my future. As Brlliant and I finished our dinner we both took a walk across the street from everyone else and shared thoughts. As I marveled at how bright the stars look under an African sky, I revealed to him thoughts I've had for quite a long time; questions concerning where I will be years from now, what being a pastor will be like, and of course, what "she" will be like. Tonight was probably the first time I vented my heart out to someone else while away from America. Poor Brilliant...I could only imagine what he was thinking. Yet being the young man of God he is, he listened, and in the end gave me some good advice. He gave me a Malagasy saying which, translated, goes like this: "If you are the owner of the cow, you don't have to ask if you can eat it." At first I was confused on how that was encouragement, but he explained further. Over the course of the trip I have been working alongside translators to share the Gospel to the Malagasy people. Brilliant knew me to being an evangelist, and just simply said that if I claim to preach the Bible, I should just trust what God says in it. So, in that case, if God says to trust Him...well, TRUST HIM THEN!
Trusting God is never easy. From personal finances to decisions about the future, anxiety can easily breathe down our necks like nobody's business. We fret and shake at the thought that our plans for our lives will be torn down. Just like the skyscrapers in Downtown Fort Worth or the great temples dedicated to false deities around the world, we too are prone to carefully construct great monuments in our minds. We put great thought into these architectural giants. Often times these monuments are birthed while we dream at night. In the end, we call these works of art "Our Future" and bet our lives that this is how our lives will end up.
Yet just like a thief in the night the Lord has His ways in keeping us humble. With the force of a sledgehammer the Lord whacks away at our masterpieces. When He does this, we tend to feel like He's betrayed us; that He's abandoned our lives. The time and energy it took to construct "My Future" goes to waste as brick by brick the Lord takes it down. We yell, scream, cry, and feel pain at this. We question His goodness, faithfulness, and love. Yet, the Lord doesn't do a thing without a good reason. Maybe...just maybe...He is merely building something better. Since He is the Grand Architect, maybe He is perfecting our work, but before that, He must start from scratch. He must first supervise our lives before we can plan our future. This may take months, years, or more, but towards the end of the project, He finally names His work of art. The name: "My Plan for Your Future."
I will admit to you right now, it has been very hard for me to trust God with plans for my life. Often times I feel like just laying in my room with the lights out, wallowing in the many question marks I may have regarding my future wife. I feel that for every young man, it is inevitable for us to think about marriage. While I am not looking to be married tomorrow, I can honestly say that after a little over a year praying for someone that may not even exist, that pattern can get to you in a way where, before bed, you end up asking God, "Where is this woman? If she doesn't exist, am I even wasting your time praying for her?"
While on this mission trip, we BARELY get time to ourselves. Tomorrow our guide will be at the hotel at some time in the morning. So, as I stay up past my normal bed time to finish this blog, I am reminded of the faithfulness of God as I reflect on how the night ended for me. Tonight I ended up asking several men how they met their wives, and each story was just as bizarre as the last. One story revolved around an internet dating sight, while the next one started with the wife asking the husband out! Case in point, Brilliant was right. God is a God of mysteries, for He works in mysterious ways. Having been a Christian for 6 years now, I'v heard stories that just compel me to sing of His sovereignty! May we continue to be taught to trust Him more and more; to trust that "MY Plan for Your Future" will stand and be blessed for years to come.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Personality Me This...Profile Me That...
The following is the result of being couped up in a hotel room in Madagascar because of a stomach flu while my ministry team is out sharing the Gospel:
This past semester has just been another chapter in my life. As opposed to last Spring semester at Southwestern, I am currently content with where the Lord has me, geographically-speaking. I don't know where I left off in my last blog, but I entered Southwestern Seminary (the undergraduate program) so I can stay in the same state as my ex girlfriend while making money at the security job I had at the time. Once I got accepted, my ex broke up with me and within four months gets engaged, with I believe a baby on the way currently. Devastated,I honestly had no clue what to do with myself. The very thought that I left Moody Bible Institute for another school for reasons now non applicable killed me inside every day. However, the Lord has been gracious to me these past several months, and has taught me more about myself than ever before (man...I am such a rotten sinner inside).
This past semester I felt like God was moving me from job to job on campus. I first started off in the cafeteria of my school. When I realized that the number of hours a week wouldn't cut it for me to afford school, rent, etc. I applied for campus security. At the time, catering needed help, so my cafeteria job transferred me over to catering, while still working for security. Later on, security offered me more hours to work with them, which caused my boss and I to agree to only be on-call for catering. Finally, security ended up firing me for not understanding all my tasks within a given amount of days and now I am working for a set-up crew on campus. Man...talk about being versatile around campus!
Classes and new friends also came and went! This past semester was my first Greek class, and between Health Science, Bible Study Methods, and Systematic Theology 1, I would say Greek was my best class. Sure it was hard, but to be able to get an introductory course to Greek was phenomenal! I feel like I can already (to some extent of course) pick out words and phrases in the Greek New Testament. As to friends, I did meet several, especially in Bible Studies class. In fact, several weeks ago we all met up for bible study, and let me tell you, I felt that that bible study wasn't like those flimsy "bible studies" I was used to back in high school. No sir, we all were implementing what we had learned from Prof. Carpenter and I honestly cannot wait to see the group again when I go back to the States. Currently I am on a mission trip in Tulear, Madagascar! For more info on how that came about, visit lemur.coveras.com and read the first blog by Shae!
Now to the good stuff! Currently what's on my mind is the subject of personality types and how compatibility effects a relationship between a man and a woman. The thought dawned on me this week as I, in a depressing way, realized that I honestly could not talk to certain friends of mine in a way I would like to. For me, I view talking as a means to attain a purpose. If there is no purpose in talking, than why do it in the first place? That might seem cruel, but as I see other members of my team talking and having fun with each other, the thought that I was too boring of a guy hit me like a wooden plank to the head. In my arsenal of friends I do have people I can talks hours with, but then there are others whom I, for some weird reason, cannot think of more than 5 topics to talk about. Thinking back, I never used to struggle with this. As the thought dawned on me even more last night, I wondered, "How is this going to affect my future? How is this even going to affect who I will be 'compatible' with in the future?"
The Bible only gives a few things of what to look for in a wife...1) She must be a Christian, 2) She must not be a woman who causes dissensions, and 3)She must aim for Proverbs 31. Granted, the last idea isn't saying she has to be this "Christian among Christians," but merely that she has a heart for the Lord and wants to grow in her Christian walk into a godly woman of our King. Often times I do wonder what "she" will be like. Blonde hair or red? Dark skin or light? Blue eyes or brown? Tall or short? Last Spring semester I got into the habit of waking up every morning at 5 to do my quiet time, and I always end my prayer time in the same fashion: praying for my future wife. Now, this isn't a time where I give God my list of physical qualities I would like in a woman, but that I would lift her up, whoever she is, and pray for God's protection and guidance in her life. Since I plan on being a pastor someday, I also pray that the Lord will prepare her for a hard life of ministry ahead of her by my side.
This past year, I've had several rejections from girls, often ending with the, "I have many godly guy friends, and I just see us as friends" card. Even though confidence is important in getting to know a girl, it apparently isn't all. One girl gave me a "no" without even a second thought or prayer behind my request to get to know her. Another was creeped out at the fact that a I asked her out to coffee. I'm not going to lie and say that I am smooth with women, but with each rejection, especially the last one I had, I find me asking myself, "What did I do wrong? Is it me? Is it because I am not attractive or is it because this woman has spotted a "red flag" in my life?" The last one I had really rocked me due to the fact that I've spent months in prayer for this girl. The reason for the rejection was because of personality...
Each girl has said that I was a godly man, but can't that be enough for them? If I have successfully built relationships with these women over the years, why can't they even have me as an option in their lives? I distinctly remember a time when depression overcame me after asking a girl friend that I've been praying for for a while now if I could get to know her a bit more actively, even laying out my intentions on the table. Laying in my bed in the dark is probably not the best coping mechanism in the world, but that's what I did as thoughts came flooding in my mind of "the perfect guy" and me standing right next to him. Then, I could smell Satan's dirty breath as he whispers in my ear that I was a loser and that this was expected of my life. I mean, since I sucked in my last relationship and didn't know how to even lead a woman, that this was my punishment; this pain I felt was the result of my immaturity to be in a relationship in the past.
Satan is quite an interesting character when it comes to our spiritual life. The Bible paints him in the most colorful terms. Here are just a few: Accuser (Rev. 12:10), Adversary (1 Peter 5:8), Angel of the bottomless pit (Rev. 9:11), Enemy (Matthew 13:39), Murderer(John 8:44), and Tempter (Matthew 4:3). So, from this short list of names for Satan, what does that tell you about him? If you were the CEO of a business firm and he were to walk into your office for an interview and hands over "his resume'" of names, would you hire them? Well, just like the rest of us I hope you wouldn't. My good friend Shae, while on this trip, even reminded me to not let Satan get a foothold while I was in the midst of depression. Poor girl, I should've listened to that blessed sister of Christ. Instead, I "spat" in the face of her encouragement and instead reveled in my self-pity and lies the Accuser was giving me to play with in my little head.
A big struggle I had, especially after the breakup with my ex girlfriend was finding my identity in having a girlfriend, so much so that every single day I was not happy unless the girl I liked acknowledged me in some way shape, or form. Hmmm...smells like idolatry maybe? As I looked around my school campus, it seemed like half the college was getting married this past summer break! "Ring by Spring" turned to "Get 'Er by Summer" and there I was in the middle of it all. It wasn't until a good friend of mine sat down with me and explained the error of my thinking. Instead of allowing your identity or self-worth be found in a girlfriend, I should be finding my worth in Christ. Since that late night talk, my perspective has changed for the better! No matter what status or season of life I am in, Christ loves me with an everlasting love! That's a love you cannot buy or receive from anyone.
In closing, earlier this week I was walking outside my hotel in Madagascar and thinking why in the world have I gotten rejections this past year? Did I do something I shouldn't have, or did I not do something I should've? Should I have been more discreet or should I have been more blunt? Then, all of a sudden, while in the midst of my mental list of things I probably could've done, I realized that in the end it didn't really matter what I did. I am not the one who is in control. I am not that one who is sovereign. I am not the one who can move hearts. No, that's God's job. "But," my thoughts would interject, "this woman is like nobody else! I've read her blogs. I've seen how she lives and disciples women. I see her maturity and heart for the Lord. There must be a way where I could win over her heart!" Yet I could feel God reeling in my eagerness in and reminding me that He is in control. JUST MAYBE the reason why I was accumulating this rejections from women is because the one He has in store for me wasn't any of them, and JUST MAYBE He is saving the best for last for me. JUST MAYBE He is preparing me even more for this woman He has in store for me. Granted, I didn't feel better immediately, but looking back, I should've known better than to fret. Case in point, God is in control, and if He wanted to, He could bring together the most unlikely pair into a marriage just to display His glory. In the end, nothing is impossible for God, and personality types can never thwart the plans of God. Now the hard part is to live in such a way where we are not worried about His plans for our lives.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Another Testimony of His Love
It's been the longest time since I've had the fortune to sit down in front of my computer and write down a note on Facebook. I believe the last time was during the aftermath of my breakup with my ex-girlfriend; a friendship I am still grieved that crumbled down to the ground. Yet, out of the ashes of something dark came a renewed passion for the Lord and my relationship with Him. Praise Him for His greatness.
Well, semester one at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary (the undergraduate program) came and went, and even though I miss the Moody Bible Institute and all of the aspects that are included in those three words, God has been most gracious with me with blessing me with a job, new friends, and great professors. I am currently enrolled in the Biblical Studies program and just finished taking a summer class on Baptist History. Depending upon the final grade I receive in that class, I hope by the fall semester I will be a junior. Hopefully, only 2 years left until I get the opportunity to walk with a degree. Just one more step closer to actual, vocational minstry
God's love has been made much more real to me in the past several semesters than ever before. What I feel I used to take for granted I now much more appreciate these days whenever loneliness seeps in and despair crawls into the bed of security. All around me I feel people are getting married faster than any fast food line you can wait in for your food to just "pop" out, I ponder on what the Lord has in store for me, especially when I don't even have a girlfriend. I feel that within the past year or so, God has seemingly demolished the plans I pre-planned for my life. The school I thought I would be going to I am no longer attending; the security job that would've done a great job in providing for me while going to school I no longer have; and the girlfriend I thought that would be going through this time in my life with me is now getting married to another man soon, though I do not know what date. Out of all of this that has happened, since the start of this semester, I've had many battles with myself. Anger over wrongs people have done against me; jealousy after comparing my life with others, discontent with where God has me, and most importantly, being so unsure on why the Lord would send me back to Texas for my undergraduate studies. At times, I would stay up in the bedroom of my apartment and just look up at the ceiling wondering about what God is going to send in/take away from my life next...and it was in those moments where I found sweet solace in prayer.
Despite the battles I went through this semester, I have felt God's grace indirectly through the people He has bringing into my life. For example, I PRAISE THE LORD for my roommates Adam Kent (a man the lovely Crystal Knorpp will have the fortune to marry soon!) and Matt Amend and their influence on me in many ways. Both have rubbed off on me, due to their activities they developed a semester before I moved in, and now I'm used to waking up early in the morning to have a nice time in the Bible with the Lord, as well as a nice time of prayer. Adam in particular has been a vehicle, I feel, God has used to show me the depths of not only my sin, but immaturities about myself that I need to conquer before I can call myself a man of God with a heart after His heart. Truly, while I am happy for Adam's upcoming marriage, I am going to miss seeing the guy a lot in the apartment.
Courtney Caddel had been another encouraging influence in my life this past semester. She happens to be Joseph's new "lucky" lady in his life, and I don't know whether it’s her personality, mine, or a combination of both of ours', but our friendship is almost akin to the friendship Joseph and me share. Joseph and her met through Christian Mingle, and after an "x" amount of months together, she is now going to our church and beginning to be active in leadership and discipleship of the young girls in the church. Despite her busy life and relationship with my good friend, she is always free to pick up a call from me and talk with me whenever something troublesome has been going on in my life. In a sense, she is almost like the big sister I never had.
The most important thing God has taught me during this season in my life is this: His love is the only thing I, or anyone else, can ever be fully secured in. While others may fail us, including our most precious people in our lives, God will never fail us. While the love of others can drain over time, God's love is everlasting and will not fade. His love isn't based on feeling or emotions that come and go, nor is it based on "compatibility" or that "spark of mutual interest," like most normal relationships. No, our relationship with Him is something so much more interesting! The gifts that He's given me (friends, a job, a family, opportunities to serve, etc.) are just a testimony of His love for me, and I praise Him so much for Him being my shield in the battlefield we all know as Life.
Holy Father, You are indeed holy; great and mighty. I praise Your for Your mercy, love, and compassion for me. I lift up praises to you as a testimony of my gratefulness to who You are in my life. Lord God, my only prayer right now is that during this time in my life, that You would continue to turn me into the man that You want me to be; a selfless servant, looking out for the needs of others; as well as a disciplined man, turning his head away from sin and the temptation to walk away from Your ordinances. Allow me to meditate on who You are more in the days to come, so that others may know where, or in this case, Who I get my strength from. Thank you for for your Word, that I may know You, and may I ever still live by it...
...Even though every day we live through is just another example of your love for us, thank you for just another testimony of your love!"
"Grace be with all who love our Lord Jesus Christ with love incorruptible." (Ephesians 6:24)
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
As This Year Went By...
Greetings!
It's been a long, long time since I stepped away from blogging. As the title suggests, a year has gone by, and now that I have a cup of water and a baked potato from TCC sitting right next to me, allow me to update y'all what has taken place this past year...
I've never experienced a place like Downtown Chicago before, and as the constant sight of the homeless walking up and down Chicago Avenue became the norm for anyone to see, Chicago became like a home away from home for me. The Moody Bible Institute was a phenomenal chapter in my life that I will never forget, even though I was only at the school for a year.
During my two semesters in Chicago, I dealt with two different roommates. My first was Joseph, a friend from my own church back home. It was during my first semester (his last semester) that the experience to be on my own was at times overwhelming, yet by God's grace, Joseph was there to show me the ropes around the city as well as the school. My second roommate was Dan, a transfer student from Nebraska, and while both roommates were of two totally different personalities (not just from each other, but from myself as well), I wouldn't take back a single day living with them on Culby 4.
Moody in and of itself was great! Chapel felt like an Advil at times after experiencing an intense migraine. To be able to hear from the front of the chapel room the echoes of hundreds of students singing to God in unison floored me week by week. The classes and professors were other great aspects to the school. Introduction to the Bible taught me more about textual criticism, and Christianity in Western Culture introduced me to Church history. Whenever I made a trip to the school gym, Solheim Center, it was fun to run into Dr. Litfin in the locker room for a quick chat before he left. Dr. Marty proved to be the school's "craziest" and "energetic" professor, despite his very old age. Over the year, I attributed him to the Puddy Patrol characters from the original Power Rangers television series. Professors became incredibly mimic able and as we shared laughs up on the floor from impersonations of them, as well as serious talks, floor prayer times, and fun Bro-Sis outings, Moody became the place where I could go to sleep at night and be secured that this place was not really a dream. God was working in the lives of every single person up at that school who had a heart for ministry.
Now before I paint a picture of Moody that suggests nothing bad ever happened up there, Moody, while being one of the best chapters of my life, proved to be one of the most challenging as well. My first semester, I was hired to work security in Hyde Park, which was a 30 minute ride by car, but a 2 hour trip by train/bus at night (I worked the midnight to morning shift, 40 hours a week). My attitude for the school went south, and as sleepless nights turned into sleepless days after work, I started to hate Chicago and hate Moody. Little things would irritate me completely, and if it wasn't for the help of my girlfriend at the time, caring friends including Joseph, and my Chicago pastor, I realized I needed to get out of this job, and sure enough by next semester, I quit.
My second semester had me face different challenges. While quitting my job proved to be the best choice, I faced the possibility of not being able to pay my entire school bill. I was jobless and in need of a job. Day by day, I worried whether the school would kick me out if I didn't make that last payment on time. So in my spare time, I searched high and low for a job, while trying to keep up with 15 credit hours and constant reading for those classes. At one point, I went in for an interview where they expected ME to pay them money! My faith in God's provision quickly diminished, yet it seems like whenever all hope for you seems lost, God tends to burst forth from your own hopelessness and show you the provision He provides. Over a period of 2 weeks, I received $800 total from Joseph, who at this point graduated from Moody. The next week, my tax return was estimated just the right amount to pay off my school bill! Coincidence...? I think not...ALL PRAISE BE TO GOD!!! HE DOES PROVIDE!!!
Now, let it be known that while Moody was a grand chapter in my life, it wasn't the BIGGEST part of this past year. Only one thing can fit into that category: my relationship with Morgan. How we met, in fact, was one of my favorite stories of how interesting God works: I met Morgan at TCC while I was, from week to week, doing some evangelism on the campus. We were both registered in the campus' Campus Crusade for Christ, and it was seemingly by "luck" she received my invitation email to come and join me for some evangelism if their schedule permitted. She replied back with an invite for a prayer group she was holding on campus.
When I actually met her...words could not describe how amazing she really was to me. At the time, I couldn't believe such a beautiful girl could be a God fearing woman at the same time! Yet at the time, I didn't want to pursue anyone, nor was I asking for God to bring someone into my life. So as we found out that we had mutual friends, and as I kept seeing her around campus, our friendship quickly grew, and over a span of 3-5 months, we actually became best friends, and yet it wasn't until the summer of 2010 that feelings on my end for her started to surface. At one point, Joseph, Morgan, and myself held our own prayer group at my house, and when Joseph left for his house, Morgan and I went to a local Starbucks to hang out some more. It was there that I confessed (with no romantic feelings or motives behind it, I assure you!) that if I were to have a wife one day, I would love her to be like her. Now...as she affirmed the same thing to me, something "clicked": I REALLY admired this girl! I LOVED her heart for the Lord and for people (among other qualities of course), and since I was going into the ministry, I needed those qualities in a wife! From that point on, weeks went by that were filled with much prayer for this phenomenal girl. Our friendship was a "lively one." We prayed together, spent time in the Word together, and never skipped a day without texting or calling each other. Finally, the night came as I expressed my feelings for her, to which I was floored that she has been attracted to me as well. The parents loved me, the most amazing girl loved me..."how could life get any better?" I thought...
My time at Moody came and went, and as our relationship grew, so did our knowledge of each other. We've been through fights and disagreements, and yet, we still saw each other as worth it to be with. As I came home though, things started to change...we both became irritable of each other, and as she was entering her second year of her Radiology program, I wondered that now that I was back home, where was the "us" time? I became annoyed at her schedule and was so puffed up with this superiority complex that seemingly demanded her to prioritize me into her life above anything else. After all, if you're considering marrying someone, shouldn't that automatically place them at the top of your priority list? We fought more than once per week, for weeks on end, and it finally took her to scare the living daylights out of me by saying that her feelings and emotions toward me were starting to change. As you could only imagine, what a scary thing to hear for a seemingly serious relationship, and sure enough it took this confession for me to realize how selfish I've become. I was asking too much of her than what she can give already. It was during this time as well that her grandfather was facing terrible health problems, and I could only speculate that between that, her clinicals in Dallas, and a demanding boyfriend, she just couldn't take all of this stress at once.
After her disclosing her emotions to me, both face to face with tears in her eyes and over the phone, I started seeking the Lord to give me an understanding heart, a heart that would put her needs above my own on MY priority list; a heart that would seek to do anything to try to help her with the stress in her life. I NEEDED to grow out of this self-centeredness so that I could please the woman whom had stuck with me through thick and thin while being away in Chicago. It was now MY turn to minister to her during this busy time in her life. Sure enough, with so much prayer, God gave me what she and I both desired: an understanding heart. Times were fantastic...I felt like I was finally doing something right for a change, that I'd finally reach a point I'd never dreamed of reaching. In fact, I could've gone on for days without talking with her, if she needed those days on end to study for tests. The clingy, emotionally disturbed, self-centered Nick was gone...the man I'd become was never what I thought I'd ever be, and she could see that and was happy...or so I thought.
In short, one night she called me requesting for a breakup, for reasons that are still unknown to me, as well as her. I felt like it was out of nowhere, as if I was talking to someone else. "What was the REAL reason for the breakup?" I thought. "Stress over school and work?" No, because personal stress towards school doesn't affect how you feel towards those you love. "Was she interested in someone else?" "Did I do something wrong?" These are some of the questions that have been racing through my head. She was and still is such an amazing, whose characteristics I still desire in a future wife. Yes, I felt jaded, hurt, angry, sad, confused, and even afraid of what was going on. In fact, some of those emotions I still am suffering from...Nevertheless, I believe God was doing SOMETHING in my relationship with my ex. Even though I still have questions, I can at least see that most of the characteristic issues I had would've never come to the surface for me to deal with had it not been for my Morgan to have brought them out for me to deal with myself. Looking back, I even see more aspects of my life that either need to be worked on or discarded, and I've chosen this time in my life to prepare with God for the woman He may give me in the future.
Who will she meet in the future? What men will cross her path between now and the time of her marriage? How many dates will she go on now that I'm out of the picture? Does she even think of me from time to time these days? Is she thinking of me now...? From the help of so many friends in my life, I've decided to stop analyzing what was the cause of the breakup, and currently I am asking the Lord to help me in my anxiety of what may happen in her life now, concerning relationships she may foster in the future. God has a very funny way of showing us that His will is the one we should be most concerned with, not ours. We are just a tiny speck in the existence He created, and what He decides to do with our lives is His will. Was my ex just a chapter in my life to prepare me for my wife in the future, or will Morgan and I meet up again in the future, more ready to be in a relationship with each other? I feel like the preverbal hamster on the wheel as I ponder on all the possibilities of what God's will may be, concerning the two of us. Nevertheless, no matter how difficult it may be for me to go throughout the days single AGAIN, I've chosen to trust my Father and to trust that He is working something in me so magnificently.
As I wrap up this post, I can be confident of at least three things the Lord has been and still is teaching me through all of this:
1) How not ready I am for a relationship just yet. It's so funny how even before the breakup, I looked back a year ago and saw a 19 year old who clearly wasn't ready for a relationship. It's even more funny for me to look at my past relationship and see God molding me into a man at least more ready to be in a relationship than before...while in a relationship (:p). Like I mentioned before, God has been showing me, through the breakup, certain aspects of my life that need growth, including more of a personal priority to guard my girlfriend's heart by leading the relationship in a way where she sees a man after God's own heart.
2) Contentment for where the Lord has me right now. I REALLY have a heart to get married, and have had one for as long as I could remember. Yet, I could be a very impatient man...Many times, I need circumstances like this recent breakup for God to reel in my passions and dreams, and to instead teach me to hold them in an open palm while relinquishing my desire to pursue what I want. As Christians, we should pursue what God wants, and...just maybe God wants me to wait a little more to to mature before starting up a relationship again.
3) To trust in His sovereignty all the while still being a brother in Christ to my ex. Ever since coming back home from Moody, God has placed in me a bigger heart for ministry, and that doesn't exclude ministry toward the brethren. Even though Morgan "dumped me," she is still my sister in Christ and a wonderful, amazing woman of God. Her heart for people is so astounding, and I can tell that she is willing to drop anything if it means to serve the Lord by serving others. Nevertheless, being her boyfriend these past 14 months, I was on the sidelines, so-to-speak, observing her busy life in action, from cramming information just in time to take 5-7 tests a week to enduring long hours at a hospital with very little sleep. She is a human with needs, and as her brother in Christ I am obligated to love her just as she is, while praying for her to have the strength and endurance to press on. If I'm not mistaken, I believe the norm after being dumped is for the dumped ex to have nothing but hatred for the other individual. Well...for one thing I stink at holding grudges, and for another, I'm a Christian, so I'm called to a higher standard: to emulate my Master and Savior, even to the point, in my prayers, to pray for her future husband, whoever He may be.
Currently, I am taking a Philosophy course, followed by a Kickboxing class at a local community college. I've been accepted at the College at Southwestern in Fort Worth, with already an apartment with three other men, one who is ironically an old friend and ministry partner from high school. I have no clue what the God has in store for me, nor do I know all the answers behind lingering questions in my head about recent turn of events. All I know is what Scripture tells me about the God I found up in the mountains of Colorado 4 years ago: that He is loving, compassionate, and faithful to His children.
"Dear Lord, take me wherever, mold me into whatever, and break me whenever I stray from You. Thank you for showing me that your love has no bounds, and that it is in Your love that I can find the most security in!"
It's been a long, long time since I stepped away from blogging. As the title suggests, a year has gone by, and now that I have a cup of water and a baked potato from TCC sitting right next to me, allow me to update y'all what has taken place this past year...
I've never experienced a place like Downtown Chicago before, and as the constant sight of the homeless walking up and down Chicago Avenue became the norm for anyone to see, Chicago became like a home away from home for me. The Moody Bible Institute was a phenomenal chapter in my life that I will never forget, even though I was only at the school for a year.
During my two semesters in Chicago, I dealt with two different roommates. My first was Joseph, a friend from my own church back home. It was during my first semester (his last semester) that the experience to be on my own was at times overwhelming, yet by God's grace, Joseph was there to show me the ropes around the city as well as the school. My second roommate was Dan, a transfer student from Nebraska, and while both roommates were of two totally different personalities (not just from each other, but from myself as well), I wouldn't take back a single day living with them on Culby 4.
Moody in and of itself was great! Chapel felt like an Advil at times after experiencing an intense migraine. To be able to hear from the front of the chapel room the echoes of hundreds of students singing to God in unison floored me week by week. The classes and professors were other great aspects to the school. Introduction to the Bible taught me more about textual criticism, and Christianity in Western Culture introduced me to Church history. Whenever I made a trip to the school gym, Solheim Center, it was fun to run into Dr. Litfin in the locker room for a quick chat before he left. Dr. Marty proved to be the school's "craziest" and "energetic" professor, despite his very old age. Over the year, I attributed him to the Puddy Patrol characters from the original Power Rangers television series. Professors became incredibly mimic able and as we shared laughs up on the floor from impersonations of them, as well as serious talks, floor prayer times, and fun Bro-Sis outings, Moody became the place where I could go to sleep at night and be secured that this place was not really a dream. God was working in the lives of every single person up at that school who had a heart for ministry.
Now before I paint a picture of Moody that suggests nothing bad ever happened up there, Moody, while being one of the best chapters of my life, proved to be one of the most challenging as well. My first semester, I was hired to work security in Hyde Park, which was a 30 minute ride by car, but a 2 hour trip by train/bus at night (I worked the midnight to morning shift, 40 hours a week). My attitude for the school went south, and as sleepless nights turned into sleepless days after work, I started to hate Chicago and hate Moody. Little things would irritate me completely, and if it wasn't for the help of my girlfriend at the time, caring friends including Joseph, and my Chicago pastor, I realized I needed to get out of this job, and sure enough by next semester, I quit.
My second semester had me face different challenges. While quitting my job proved to be the best choice, I faced the possibility of not being able to pay my entire school bill. I was jobless and in need of a job. Day by day, I worried whether the school would kick me out if I didn't make that last payment on time. So in my spare time, I searched high and low for a job, while trying to keep up with 15 credit hours and constant reading for those classes. At one point, I went in for an interview where they expected ME to pay them money! My faith in God's provision quickly diminished, yet it seems like whenever all hope for you seems lost, God tends to burst forth from your own hopelessness and show you the provision He provides. Over a period of 2 weeks, I received $800 total from Joseph, who at this point graduated from Moody. The next week, my tax return was estimated just the right amount to pay off my school bill! Coincidence...? I think not...ALL PRAISE BE TO GOD!!! HE DOES PROVIDE!!!
Now, let it be known that while Moody was a grand chapter in my life, it wasn't the BIGGEST part of this past year. Only one thing can fit into that category: my relationship with Morgan. How we met, in fact, was one of my favorite stories of how interesting God works: I met Morgan at TCC while I was, from week to week, doing some evangelism on the campus. We were both registered in the campus' Campus Crusade for Christ, and it was seemingly by "luck" she received my invitation email to come and join me for some evangelism if their schedule permitted. She replied back with an invite for a prayer group she was holding on campus.
When I actually met her...words could not describe how amazing she really was to me. At the time, I couldn't believe such a beautiful girl could be a God fearing woman at the same time! Yet at the time, I didn't want to pursue anyone, nor was I asking for God to bring someone into my life. So as we found out that we had mutual friends, and as I kept seeing her around campus, our friendship quickly grew, and over a span of 3-5 months, we actually became best friends, and yet it wasn't until the summer of 2010 that feelings on my end for her started to surface. At one point, Joseph, Morgan, and myself held our own prayer group at my house, and when Joseph left for his house, Morgan and I went to a local Starbucks to hang out some more. It was there that I confessed (with no romantic feelings or motives behind it, I assure you!) that if I were to have a wife one day, I would love her to be like her. Now...as she affirmed the same thing to me, something "clicked": I REALLY admired this girl! I LOVED her heart for the Lord and for people (among other qualities of course), and since I was going into the ministry, I needed those qualities in a wife! From that point on, weeks went by that were filled with much prayer for this phenomenal girl. Our friendship was a "lively one." We prayed together, spent time in the Word together, and never skipped a day without texting or calling each other. Finally, the night came as I expressed my feelings for her, to which I was floored that she has been attracted to me as well. The parents loved me, the most amazing girl loved me..."how could life get any better?" I thought...
My time at Moody came and went, and as our relationship grew, so did our knowledge of each other. We've been through fights and disagreements, and yet, we still saw each other as worth it to be with. As I came home though, things started to change...we both became irritable of each other, and as she was entering her second year of her Radiology program, I wondered that now that I was back home, where was the "us" time? I became annoyed at her schedule and was so puffed up with this superiority complex that seemingly demanded her to prioritize me into her life above anything else. After all, if you're considering marrying someone, shouldn't that automatically place them at the top of your priority list? We fought more than once per week, for weeks on end, and it finally took her to scare the living daylights out of me by saying that her feelings and emotions toward me were starting to change. As you could only imagine, what a scary thing to hear for a seemingly serious relationship, and sure enough it took this confession for me to realize how selfish I've become. I was asking too much of her than what she can give already. It was during this time as well that her grandfather was facing terrible health problems, and I could only speculate that between that, her clinicals in Dallas, and a demanding boyfriend, she just couldn't take all of this stress at once.
After her disclosing her emotions to me, both face to face with tears in her eyes and over the phone, I started seeking the Lord to give me an understanding heart, a heart that would put her needs above my own on MY priority list; a heart that would seek to do anything to try to help her with the stress in her life. I NEEDED to grow out of this self-centeredness so that I could please the woman whom had stuck with me through thick and thin while being away in Chicago. It was now MY turn to minister to her during this busy time in her life. Sure enough, with so much prayer, God gave me what she and I both desired: an understanding heart. Times were fantastic...I felt like I was finally doing something right for a change, that I'd finally reach a point I'd never dreamed of reaching. In fact, I could've gone on for days without talking with her, if she needed those days on end to study for tests. The clingy, emotionally disturbed, self-centered Nick was gone...the man I'd become was never what I thought I'd ever be, and she could see that and was happy...or so I thought.
In short, one night she called me requesting for a breakup, for reasons that are still unknown to me, as well as her. I felt like it was out of nowhere, as if I was talking to someone else. "What was the REAL reason for the breakup?" I thought. "Stress over school and work?" No, because personal stress towards school doesn't affect how you feel towards those you love. "Was she interested in someone else?" "Did I do something wrong?" These are some of the questions that have been racing through my head. She was and still is such an amazing, whose characteristics I still desire in a future wife. Yes, I felt jaded, hurt, angry, sad, confused, and even afraid of what was going on. In fact, some of those emotions I still am suffering from...Nevertheless, I believe God was doing SOMETHING in my relationship with my ex. Even though I still have questions, I can at least see that most of the characteristic issues I had would've never come to the surface for me to deal with had it not been for my Morgan to have brought them out for me to deal with myself. Looking back, I even see more aspects of my life that either need to be worked on or discarded, and I've chosen this time in my life to prepare with God for the woman He may give me in the future.
Who will she meet in the future? What men will cross her path between now and the time of her marriage? How many dates will she go on now that I'm out of the picture? Does she even think of me from time to time these days? Is she thinking of me now...? From the help of so many friends in my life, I've decided to stop analyzing what was the cause of the breakup, and currently I am asking the Lord to help me in my anxiety of what may happen in her life now, concerning relationships she may foster in the future. God has a very funny way of showing us that His will is the one we should be most concerned with, not ours. We are just a tiny speck in the existence He created, and what He decides to do with our lives is His will. Was my ex just a chapter in my life to prepare me for my wife in the future, or will Morgan and I meet up again in the future, more ready to be in a relationship with each other? I feel like the preverbal hamster on the wheel as I ponder on all the possibilities of what God's will may be, concerning the two of us. Nevertheless, no matter how difficult it may be for me to go throughout the days single AGAIN, I've chosen to trust my Father and to trust that He is working something in me so magnificently.
As I wrap up this post, I can be confident of at least three things the Lord has been and still is teaching me through all of this:
1) How not ready I am for a relationship just yet. It's so funny how even before the breakup, I looked back a year ago and saw a 19 year old who clearly wasn't ready for a relationship. It's even more funny for me to look at my past relationship and see God molding me into a man at least more ready to be in a relationship than before...while in a relationship (:p). Like I mentioned before, God has been showing me, through the breakup, certain aspects of my life that need growth, including more of a personal priority to guard my girlfriend's heart by leading the relationship in a way where she sees a man after God's own heart.
2) Contentment for where the Lord has me right now. I REALLY have a heart to get married, and have had one for as long as I could remember. Yet, I could be a very impatient man...Many times, I need circumstances like this recent breakup for God to reel in my passions and dreams, and to instead teach me to hold them in an open palm while relinquishing my desire to pursue what I want. As Christians, we should pursue what God wants, and...just maybe God wants me to wait a little more to to mature before starting up a relationship again.
3) To trust in His sovereignty all the while still being a brother in Christ to my ex. Ever since coming back home from Moody, God has placed in me a bigger heart for ministry, and that doesn't exclude ministry toward the brethren. Even though Morgan "dumped me," she is still my sister in Christ and a wonderful, amazing woman of God. Her heart for people is so astounding, and I can tell that she is willing to drop anything if it means to serve the Lord by serving others. Nevertheless, being her boyfriend these past 14 months, I was on the sidelines, so-to-speak, observing her busy life in action, from cramming information just in time to take 5-7 tests a week to enduring long hours at a hospital with very little sleep. She is a human with needs, and as her brother in Christ I am obligated to love her just as she is, while praying for her to have the strength and endurance to press on. If I'm not mistaken, I believe the norm after being dumped is for the dumped ex to have nothing but hatred for the other individual. Well...for one thing I stink at holding grudges, and for another, I'm a Christian, so I'm called to a higher standard: to emulate my Master and Savior, even to the point, in my prayers, to pray for her future husband, whoever He may be.
Currently, I am taking a Philosophy course, followed by a Kickboxing class at a local community college. I've been accepted at the College at Southwestern in Fort Worth, with already an apartment with three other men, one who is ironically an old friend and ministry partner from high school. I have no clue what the God has in store for me, nor do I know all the answers behind lingering questions in my head about recent turn of events. All I know is what Scripture tells me about the God I found up in the mountains of Colorado 4 years ago: that He is loving, compassionate, and faithful to His children.
"Dear Lord, take me wherever, mold me into whatever, and break me whenever I stray from You. Thank you for showing me that your love has no bounds, and that it is in Your love that I can find the most security in!"
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
4 Weeks To Go!
Just as the title of this post goes, I now have 4 weeks left until my new life at Moody starts up, and with that I add on that there is a mixture of emotions in my heart about this transition. I am extremely excited on the one hand for seeing God moving me up to Chi-town to begin my training for the ministry He has called me to. I am thrilled I will get to know this "Dream Team" my roommate's old roommate has been bragging about so much since I had visited the school back in February. On the other hand I feel sad...There will be some people I will be missing, one in particular I met about 4 or so months ago...yet I trust in the Lord's ability to provide for them all.
C.S. Lewis once said, "Friendship is the greatest of the worldly goods. Certainly to me it is the chief happiness of life. If I had to give a piece of advice to a young man about a place to live, I think I should say, 'sacrifice almost everything to live where you can be near your friends.' I know I am very fortunate in that respect." All my life I desired for at least a group of friends I could engraft myself into. After my New Birth, my first attempt was with my own church's youth group, but because of prejudices of my own and others that failed. My next attempt was with a youth group of another church. Most of these folks went to my school and I've known them since my sophmore year in high school. Personally speaking, what turned me off from them would be the same reason that turned me off from Christianity in time's past: cliques. I clearly remember, time and time again, the disappointment of leaving their church, or even Starbucks (for their Tuesday night fellowship) without anyone ever introducing themselves to me or at least talking to me. Looking back, none of those guys and I had anything in common. I started street evenagelism when I was in my senior year of high school, which did not go well with these guys. Apparently it's offensive for Christians to walk in the Name of our Lord and the Apostles to declare that sin leads to Hell and that salvation comes from Christ. Then February came and I was astonished at the amount of people I met with my same passion for evangelism. When they found out I got accepted into Moody, they were quick (from what I hear) to vote me in as a leader for the school's Student Outreach! So..teaming up with a great partner already, I am ready to not only spend time with my roommate and this group of amazing friends, but to also give glory to God up in a christian-filled environment! I pray though I will not develop a love for this haven more than the world where I am called to be ministering in to the point where I distance myself from non-Christians.
This summer I've been witnessing the amazing heart of my roommate for his mother who is stricken with bad health problems. He has been spending weeks on end with her and his little sister as her mom is recovering slowly. In addition to taking care of her bills, he's also been mowing the lawn, cleaning the house, and picking up the prescription medicine his mom needs for her liver. In addition to all of this, he has been preparing sermon after sermon to preach at our church. I still cannot believe I know an awesome man of God whom, if I could say, I can model myself after (except for some of his annoying habits like teasing me and dismissing "dumb" questions :p). We have very oppostie personalities, him being an introvert and me being an extrovert. Yet, if I may say, we have become great friends in the last 2 or so years of us knowing each other. I continue to pray for his future wife. He is going to be a great husband and pastor indeed! Someday, he and I will lie back in our chairs in his house with Mrs. Schmidt cooking us brownies and the kids running around while we reminisce on how amazing God is and gracious he is to us. Mrs. Romero will be chatting away with Mrs. Schmidt about the same thing in the kitchen :)
My heart is burdening me to brag about another friend of mine, one who I will miss so so dearly. I pray one day she will find out how much exactly she means to me in a way where words cannot describe it (you know who you are sister!). I first met her months ago buying a can of Monster at the TCC bookstore. My first impression of this nice, beautiful girl was, "WOW she smiles A LOT!" Who would've known that months later we would become the best of friends. We've had many outings, from going out swing dancing, singing at karaokes, and watching movies at the dollar theater late at night. It is incredible to witness how much we talk and think the same. I can honestly say she is one of the people I will miss the most, and when that day comes when I will have to hug her off as the next day she leaves for college, I will be the one restless in bed, sad that I did not get to know her earlier, yet happy that this girl will be heading off in the direction God has called her to pursue. I believe with all my heart she will be given a great husband of God, have many children, and live a life pleasing to our Father. Morgan...I love you so much and am praising God every second for us becoming so close of friends!
Besides the two people I mentioned, lasting moments with others is rough. I took one of my deciples in evangelism out for ice cream the other day. What a STRONG WILLED GIRL SHE IS with a personality that scared me when I first met her! Certainly we had a rocky start of a friendship, but in the end, this beautiful girl became one of my closest girl friends. Ironically she is also heading off to a Bible school up in New York. Another girl who attends the Master's College out in California has expressed her desire for evangelism as well, and to the Mormon people too! I've known this girl for about 3 years now, as she is a great friend and comrade in the faith, ready to serve God wherever He puts her! Being the daughter of one of my pastors, she knows Scripture like the back of her hand. Holy Spirit will work mighty things in her as well!
Chooing this time and place to end this post, I will include this thought: On the way to work today I was driving on the highway when I noticed how big the clouds in the sky were. Now Texas has more humidity than it knows what to do with, but today looked especially great. For 5 years I spent so much time down here in the South. As noted in previous posts, I'm from beautiful Southern California, yet most of my growth I would say has taken place down here. I've made bonds that would last forever as well as faced many heartbreaks, yet if I may borrow words from the Apostle Paul, "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you" (Philippians 3:14-15). It is just like what Morgan told me this morning at a local Whataburger: "The transition for both of us may be sad, but we should be glad that we are both following what God has called us to." She was right (as always). There is definitely going to be a season of sorrow as transitioning for me will be rough, but God has called me to higher and greater things. It doesn't matter now what will happen. I will never give up the fight! Long as the voice inside tells me to follow Him and fight, I will continue to praise Him more.
"The truth is is that a Clergyman, an elder, or a Christian is what they are in proportion to their commitment to the Lord Jesus Christ. If you're really committed to Christ, you take on the world for Christ." --- Walter Martin
C.S. Lewis once said, "Friendship is the greatest of the worldly goods. Certainly to me it is the chief happiness of life. If I had to give a piece of advice to a young man about a place to live, I think I should say, 'sacrifice almost everything to live where you can be near your friends.' I know I am very fortunate in that respect." All my life I desired for at least a group of friends I could engraft myself into. After my New Birth, my first attempt was with my own church's youth group, but because of prejudices of my own and others that failed. My next attempt was with a youth group of another church. Most of these folks went to my school and I've known them since my sophmore year in high school. Personally speaking, what turned me off from them would be the same reason that turned me off from Christianity in time's past: cliques. I clearly remember, time and time again, the disappointment of leaving their church, or even Starbucks (for their Tuesday night fellowship) without anyone ever introducing themselves to me or at least talking to me. Looking back, none of those guys and I had anything in common. I started street evenagelism when I was in my senior year of high school, which did not go well with these guys. Apparently it's offensive for Christians to walk in the Name of our Lord and the Apostles to declare that sin leads to Hell and that salvation comes from Christ. Then February came and I was astonished at the amount of people I met with my same passion for evangelism. When they found out I got accepted into Moody, they were quick (from what I hear) to vote me in as a leader for the school's Student Outreach! So..teaming up with a great partner already, I am ready to not only spend time with my roommate and this group of amazing friends, but to also give glory to God up in a christian-filled environment! I pray though I will not develop a love for this haven more than the world where I am called to be ministering in to the point where I distance myself from non-Christians.
This summer I've been witnessing the amazing heart of my roommate for his mother who is stricken with bad health problems. He has been spending weeks on end with her and his little sister as her mom is recovering slowly. In addition to taking care of her bills, he's also been mowing the lawn, cleaning the house, and picking up the prescription medicine his mom needs for her liver. In addition to all of this, he has been preparing sermon after sermon to preach at our church. I still cannot believe I know an awesome man of God whom, if I could say, I can model myself after (except for some of his annoying habits like teasing me and dismissing "dumb" questions :p). We have very oppostie personalities, him being an introvert and me being an extrovert. Yet, if I may say, we have become great friends in the last 2 or so years of us knowing each other. I continue to pray for his future wife. He is going to be a great husband and pastor indeed! Someday, he and I will lie back in our chairs in his house with Mrs. Schmidt cooking us brownies and the kids running around while we reminisce on how amazing God is and gracious he is to us. Mrs. Romero will be chatting away with Mrs. Schmidt about the same thing in the kitchen :)
My heart is burdening me to brag about another friend of mine, one who I will miss so so dearly. I pray one day she will find out how much exactly she means to me in a way where words cannot describe it (you know who you are sister!). I first met her months ago buying a can of Monster at the TCC bookstore. My first impression of this nice, beautiful girl was, "WOW she smiles A LOT!" Who would've known that months later we would become the best of friends. We've had many outings, from going out swing dancing, singing at karaokes, and watching movies at the dollar theater late at night. It is incredible to witness how much we talk and think the same. I can honestly say she is one of the people I will miss the most, and when that day comes when I will have to hug her off as the next day she leaves for college, I will be the one restless in bed, sad that I did not get to know her earlier, yet happy that this girl will be heading off in the direction God has called her to pursue. I believe with all my heart she will be given a great husband of God, have many children, and live a life pleasing to our Father. Morgan...I love you so much and am praising God every second for us becoming so close of friends!
Besides the two people I mentioned, lasting moments with others is rough. I took one of my deciples in evangelism out for ice cream the other day. What a STRONG WILLED GIRL SHE IS with a personality that scared me when I first met her! Certainly we had a rocky start of a friendship, but in the end, this beautiful girl became one of my closest girl friends. Ironically she is also heading off to a Bible school up in New York. Another girl who attends the Master's College out in California has expressed her desire for evangelism as well, and to the Mormon people too! I've known this girl for about 3 years now, as she is a great friend and comrade in the faith, ready to serve God wherever He puts her! Being the daughter of one of my pastors, she knows Scripture like the back of her hand. Holy Spirit will work mighty things in her as well!
Chooing this time and place to end this post, I will include this thought: On the way to work today I was driving on the highway when I noticed how big the clouds in the sky were. Now Texas has more humidity than it knows what to do with, but today looked especially great. For 5 years I spent so much time down here in the South. As noted in previous posts, I'm from beautiful Southern California, yet most of my growth I would say has taken place down here. I've made bonds that would last forever as well as faced many heartbreaks, yet if I may borrow words from the Apostle Paul, "But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you" (Philippians 3:14-15). It is just like what Morgan told me this morning at a local Whataburger: "The transition for both of us may be sad, but we should be glad that we are both following what God has called us to." She was right (as always). There is definitely going to be a season of sorrow as transitioning for me will be rough, but God has called me to higher and greater things. It doesn't matter now what will happen. I will never give up the fight! Long as the voice inside tells me to follow Him and fight, I will continue to praise Him more.
"The truth is is that a Clergyman, an elder, or a Christian is what they are in proportion to their commitment to the Lord Jesus Christ. If you're really committed to Christ, you take on the world for Christ." --- Walter Martin
Thursday, June 24, 2010
A Calling For More Fearless Laborers
About one more month or so is left before the next chapter of my life begins up in Chicago, Illinois. I can almost sense the dry, humid 95 degree summer nights of Texas passing by as I will be spending my time, effort, ministry, and prayers up in a new land I have only visited once before in February (probably even more humid than down here, from what I hear). In preparation for two particular classes I will be taking I have been reading through the entire Bible. I have just finished the Old Testament about a week or two ago, and now am embarking on reading the New Testament. So instead of chapter after chapter, and book after book of pretty much, "You have all angered Me in your sin, therefore I will punish you in your captivity and pestilence, but there will come a day for a Savior," The New Testament to me is like a light at the end of the tunnel as grace was made manifest to us on Earth in the fullest through the Person of Jesus Christ.
For the last couple years I have met some pretty interesting characters when it came to the subject on spiritual things. Back in high school I met a kid who literally told me that he bases everything he knew about an afterlife on something so ever-changing as music. I have tried to reason with others who believe Hell is a place where the party never ends, literally. A common answer I get on the streets when asking people where they will go to after they die would possibly be, "It depends on what you believe," as if we are the authors of where we go, whether it be Paradise with many virgins, Summerland, Heaven, Hell, or even complete annihilation of thought and consciousness. Sad as it is for me to go out week after week and talk to people who are literally dead to any warnings of a Judgement Day, what pricks my heart the most would be talking to those nicely dressed missionaries who come to your door, smiling big and offering "new revelation" that God has apparently revealed. Truth be told, I am not just talking about the Mormons or Jehovah's Witnesses, but anyone trapped in the Kingdom of the Cults (Christian Science, Unity, Scientology, Bahai, Unitarian, Father Divine, etc.). It is one thing to deal with people who trust in their own presuppositions about life and death, but it is a totally different, emotional roller-coaster to deal with people who trust in another person's or organization's teachings about spirituality.
Back in my senior year in high school (which I would say would be the starting point of my future calling to the cults in general), there was a group that met by one of the pillars in the commons every single morning. Later on I found out they were all from the same Mormon ward just down the street. I finally had the chance to witness to one of these guys, to which I left the conversation with great sadness. She seemed to repeatedly say, "Oh that's what our church teaches too!" Now in the back of my mind I knew there was something off here. Either she was right and I was out of my mind talking to her about Christ, or a redefinition of terms (God, Jesus, sin, salvation, etc.) was in order. The latter was the case, yet it took me a couple more months to figure that one out. Define who God is to Mormon and they will quite literally tell you He was once a man, but through much diligence elevated Himself to Godhood. Jesus to the Mormons is one god among a pantheon of god, the spirit brother of Lucifer, and the product of sexual relations between Elohim and the Virgin Mary. Salvation, according to Mormonism, is clearly laid out in their own Book of Mormon: "...For it is by grace we are saved, after all that we can do" (2 Nephi 25:23).
Other opportunities have come to my door...literally. My neighborhood seems get a lot of Spanish-speaking Jehovahs' Witnesses (due to the local Kingdom Hall's ability to perform diagnostic tests of what the majority race and ethnic background is in each neighborhood in the surrounding area). On very random days you see a train-load of those ministers walking up and down the street with copies of "Watchtower" and "Awake" magazines. It is very humorous as to the approach of how they go door to door. As you open the door to a curious knock, you find either a man or a woman, or two women and a little 5-year-old child, as if the Jehovah's Witnesses slogan to you is, "Hell: a family-oriented community." You can see why I am so blunt as to make that claim, due to the fact that Jesus to them is not the Jesus of the Bible. The Jesus of the Bible is God Himself in human flesh, whereas Jesus according to the WatchTower is Michael the Archangel who came to Earth, died and rose again as a spirit being, ascended back into Heaven, and came back invisibly in 1914 to establish His headquarters in Brooklyn, New York. Salvation is attained through your good lifestyle and works (including going door-to-door) and even then, no one is able to enter Heaven because it is filled up, but the next best destination that is available is Paradise Earth.
One of my biggest pet-peeves in all the world is to have someone say they had missionaries at their door, and yet they hid themselves within their own homes so that the missionaries would not know they were there. Why does this bug me? Simple...it shows that the Christian Church is scared of the cults. One lady went up to a minister and said, "Oh I have found a perfect way in dealing with Jehovah's Witnesses!" The minister, curious about the lady's excitement, asked, "How?" The lady then replied, "As I see them walking down the street, I pull the shades and lock the door!" I CANNOT BELIEVE that the Christian Church has been reduced to a generation of shade-pullers and door-lockers! We should be a generation of opening the doors wide open, pulling them in by the arm, and saying, "WELCOME! Let me tell you about Jesus Christ friend!" For years, we as Christians have buried our heads in the sand, and hoped that the cults would go away like a bad dream. Reality tell us that they are the ones perishing...with Bibles in their hands at that! In this world you have Maharishi, Reverend Sun Myung Moon, Maharishi Mahesh Yoga, the Mormons, the Jehovah's Witnesses, the Christian Scientists, and about +84 million people running around saying, "THIS WAY TO GOD!" There is only one way to God, according to the Scriptures. "Neither is there salvation in any other, there is no other name given under Heaven among men where by you must be saved [Jesus Christ]" (Acts 4:12). Here Peter was talking about the real Jesus, the real Gospel, the real Holy Spirit, and it's time that the Church stood up to answer the Atheist, the Agnostic, the Skeptic, the Cultist, and the Occultist, and say, "This is of Christ, and that is of the Devil, now let's take a stand on it!"
He who has ears to hear (or in this case, "eyes to read") let them hear to what the Spirit of the Lord says to the Church. The people in the cults are not the enemy. They're just pawns in the chess game of Satanic deception. They smile just like us, cry just like us, hurt just like us, and most importantly, sin just like all of us. They are human beings and the Church's brothers and sisters under Adam. We should not hide ourselves from them if we have a truth that is able to save their souls from Hell. We should all love them all a lot more. In the words of the late Dr. Walter Martin, "Will you not bear the voice of the Lord of the Vineyard? See these fields of the cults and the occult, and reach out to them in the name of Jesus."
For the last couple years I have met some pretty interesting characters when it came to the subject on spiritual things. Back in high school I met a kid who literally told me that he bases everything he knew about an afterlife on something so ever-changing as music. I have tried to reason with others who believe Hell is a place where the party never ends, literally. A common answer I get on the streets when asking people where they will go to after they die would possibly be, "It depends on what you believe," as if we are the authors of where we go, whether it be Paradise with many virgins, Summerland, Heaven, Hell, or even complete annihilation of thought and consciousness. Sad as it is for me to go out week after week and talk to people who are literally dead to any warnings of a Judgement Day, what pricks my heart the most would be talking to those nicely dressed missionaries who come to your door, smiling big and offering "new revelation" that God has apparently revealed. Truth be told, I am not just talking about the Mormons or Jehovah's Witnesses, but anyone trapped in the Kingdom of the Cults (Christian Science, Unity, Scientology, Bahai, Unitarian, Father Divine, etc.). It is one thing to deal with people who trust in their own presuppositions about life and death, but it is a totally different, emotional roller-coaster to deal with people who trust in another person's or organization's teachings about spirituality.
Back in my senior year in high school (which I would say would be the starting point of my future calling to the cults in general), there was a group that met by one of the pillars in the commons every single morning. Later on I found out they were all from the same Mormon ward just down the street. I finally had the chance to witness to one of these guys, to which I left the conversation with great sadness. She seemed to repeatedly say, "Oh that's what our church teaches too!" Now in the back of my mind I knew there was something off here. Either she was right and I was out of my mind talking to her about Christ, or a redefinition of terms (God, Jesus, sin, salvation, etc.) was in order. The latter was the case, yet it took me a couple more months to figure that one out. Define who God is to Mormon and they will quite literally tell you He was once a man, but through much diligence elevated Himself to Godhood. Jesus to the Mormons is one god among a pantheon of god, the spirit brother of Lucifer, and the product of sexual relations between Elohim and the Virgin Mary. Salvation, according to Mormonism, is clearly laid out in their own Book of Mormon: "...For it is by grace we are saved, after all that we can do" (2 Nephi 25:23).
Other opportunities have come to my door...literally. My neighborhood seems get a lot of Spanish-speaking Jehovahs' Witnesses (due to the local Kingdom Hall's ability to perform diagnostic tests of what the majority race and ethnic background is in each neighborhood in the surrounding area). On very random days you see a train-load of those ministers walking up and down the street with copies of "Watchtower" and "Awake" magazines. It is very humorous as to the approach of how they go door to door. As you open the door to a curious knock, you find either a man or a woman, or two women and a little 5-year-old child, as if the Jehovah's Witnesses slogan to you is, "Hell: a family-oriented community." You can see why I am so blunt as to make that claim, due to the fact that Jesus to them is not the Jesus of the Bible. The Jesus of the Bible is God Himself in human flesh, whereas Jesus according to the WatchTower is Michael the Archangel who came to Earth, died and rose again as a spirit being, ascended back into Heaven, and came back invisibly in 1914 to establish His headquarters in Brooklyn, New York. Salvation is attained through your good lifestyle and works (including going door-to-door) and even then, no one is able to enter Heaven because it is filled up, but the next best destination that is available is Paradise Earth.
One of my biggest pet-peeves in all the world is to have someone say they had missionaries at their door, and yet they hid themselves within their own homes so that the missionaries would not know they were there. Why does this bug me? Simple...it shows that the Christian Church is scared of the cults. One lady went up to a minister and said, "Oh I have found a perfect way in dealing with Jehovah's Witnesses!" The minister, curious about the lady's excitement, asked, "How?" The lady then replied, "As I see them walking down the street, I pull the shades and lock the door!" I CANNOT BELIEVE that the Christian Church has been reduced to a generation of shade-pullers and door-lockers! We should be a generation of opening the doors wide open, pulling them in by the arm, and saying, "WELCOME! Let me tell you about Jesus Christ friend!" For years, we as Christians have buried our heads in the sand, and hoped that the cults would go away like a bad dream. Reality tell us that they are the ones perishing...with Bibles in their hands at that! In this world you have Maharishi, Reverend Sun Myung Moon, Maharishi Mahesh Yoga, the Mormons, the Jehovah's Witnesses, the Christian Scientists, and about +84 million people running around saying, "THIS WAY TO GOD!" There is only one way to God, according to the Scriptures. "Neither is there salvation in any other, there is no other name given under Heaven among men where by you must be saved [Jesus Christ]" (Acts 4:12). Here Peter was talking about the real Jesus, the real Gospel, the real Holy Spirit, and it's time that the Church stood up to answer the Atheist, the Agnostic, the Skeptic, the Cultist, and the Occultist, and say, "This is of Christ, and that is of the Devil, now let's take a stand on it!"
He who has ears to hear (or in this case, "eyes to read") let them hear to what the Spirit of the Lord says to the Church. The people in the cults are not the enemy. They're just pawns in the chess game of Satanic deception. They smile just like us, cry just like us, hurt just like us, and most importantly, sin just like all of us. They are human beings and the Church's brothers and sisters under Adam. We should not hide ourselves from them if we have a truth that is able to save their souls from Hell. We should all love them all a lot more. In the words of the late Dr. Walter Martin, "Will you not bear the voice of the Lord of the Vineyard? See these fields of the cults and the occult, and reach out to them in the name of Jesus."
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Monsters
When you hear the word "monster" what pops up in your head? A three-head, sabertooth tiger with wings like a bat and 8 legs? Maybe you imagine our favorate Japanese monster from the classic "Godzilla" movies? I used to not believe in monsters, but in recent years my perspective has changed quite a bit from the one I had when I was that cute, adorable, chubby, Barney-loving little brat I was. Monsters are oh so real and have the ability to keep you away from that life you so desire for yourself. They have the ability to scratch, claw, and squeeze the life out of you until you drop. Monsters can take the form of just about anything, and depending on their form, can decieve others in thinking they aren't really there at all. Sounds strange? Well sometimes monsters can decieve us in a way where it will take us literally months or years for us to realize what kind of damage they have been causing in our lives. Don't believe me? Well my friend, I ask you in return, "why?"
Up until now this may seems silly coming from me. "Nick believing in monsters?" Well, before people think I have regressed to the age of diapers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the monsters I believe in are quite different than the ones you might find on tv or in books. My monsters have been a part of my very own life for a long, long time, and no matter how much I fight them, they seem to gain more strength over me, like some mutant bathing in a pool of radioactive sludge until he reaches the size of a skyscraper. "Time" seems to be their source of nutrition, and they are on that calorie-free diet for one purpose: to utterly make my life complicated and troublesome. Right now I think about the monster of Lust who seems to allure me with false promises and decieving looks, all the while strangling me until I fall in a ditch before my Savior. Anger brutally beats me with blow after blow in the face as I try to justify hating others who are more successful at life than I am. Jealousy has whipped me with it's tail plenty of times as I look upon the popular and "pretty" people. Anxiety has caused so many divisions in friendships I've made that it makes me want to break down and cry whenever I think about the people I have failed and caused misery. These monsters I hate so much, and if I can I would love to eradicate them from my life forever.
The Apostle Paul was no stranger to monsters in his own life. In Romans 7 we read, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me" (vv. 15-21). I find it interesting that the Apostle Paul is not that much different than me. He desired to do what was right and pleasing in God's eyes, and yet he had the tendency to do the exact opposite continually. I feel like a failure most of the time..but so did Paul. Just like him, I agree that God's law is good, but my flesh seems to find it a hobby to war against His law.
Two times in the past I have allowed anxiety to creep in and doubt not only two tremendous friends, but God's goodness overall. The first friend is about two years older than me, and no matter how many times she called me her little brother, I still doubted the validity of her truthfulness. The second friend I will be seeing up at Moody possibly, and what a grand jerk I was to her...to both girls really. These two girls shared with me the deepest, darkest secrets of their lives, and yet I trampled on what was oh so precious to them, actually assuming they were just using me as some emotional crutch. Now it's one thing to have strange thoughts flowing in and out of your mind, but to actually come out and say it to these old friends of mine and treating them like dirt (out of my own anxiety and stupidness)...I can only imagine the pain they felt...
Lust seems to be the most basic battle for men as we seek to live out a godly life. Me personally, I want to be a light to others. I find myself desiring strength continually from God to help lift up my friends and to carry out His message to a dying world. I want to be the sort of brother to all my precious Christian sisters where if they need strength, I will be there to freely disperse it. If my sisters need someone to tell them how pretty they look today, I want to be the first one to remind them of their beauty. I also desire to be a great godly man to my future wife one day, and to be the kind of husband who will not only nurture her heart, but be her best friend. Yet...I am quickly reminded of my weaknesses once I catch a glimpse of a girl wearing a short skirt during the summer and entertainign certain thoguhts. Instances like those make me feel like crud...How in the world can I be a light to my sisters when I find myself so drawn to such sinful attractions?
The point of this post? Specifically, I'm not unloading my failures and problems in "type form" like a guilty Roman Catholic, attending Confession in order to seek forgiveness. I am writing about these monsters of mine because of my guilt of actually basking in the continual praises I get for being this "superhuman Christian." I'm a sinner too, just like you, and just like you, I have broken God's law countless of times. I am the worst of the worst sinners I know, and if there was a guy who struggled more with sin, I'd be the heavyweight champion of the world. Echoing Paul's words, "I am the chief of sinners."
I seek to be more loving and caring to my darling Christian sisters, to be more humble while I am out evangelizing, more caring to my family, and more of a courageous warrior to even my "Moody family" whom I will also be spending at least a year with starting this upcoming Fall. I want to be a role model to my deciples who admire me so much, and the person people, whom I love so so dearly, go to whenever they need help...Yet how can I when I am in the nasty state of sin I am in? Paul goes on in Romans 7, " For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death" (vv. 22-24)?
Praise Him who is able to forgive me of my sins so exceedingly more than I can ask for. I love my Savior. This may have been a "spur in the moment" blog, and therefore lacks real substance and thought, but to echo the words of a particular sister I admire, "I'll often pursue expression at the expense of perfection."
"Thanks be to God-through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..." (Romans 7:25-8:1).
Up until now this may seems silly coming from me. "Nick believing in monsters?" Well, before people think I have regressed to the age of diapers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the monsters I believe in are quite different than the ones you might find on tv or in books. My monsters have been a part of my very own life for a long, long time, and no matter how much I fight them, they seem to gain more strength over me, like some mutant bathing in a pool of radioactive sludge until he reaches the size of a skyscraper. "Time" seems to be their source of nutrition, and they are on that calorie-free diet for one purpose: to utterly make my life complicated and troublesome. Right now I think about the monster of Lust who seems to allure me with false promises and decieving looks, all the while strangling me until I fall in a ditch before my Savior. Anger brutally beats me with blow after blow in the face as I try to justify hating others who are more successful at life than I am. Jealousy has whipped me with it's tail plenty of times as I look upon the popular and "pretty" people. Anxiety has caused so many divisions in friendships I've made that it makes me want to break down and cry whenever I think about the people I have failed and caused misery. These monsters I hate so much, and if I can I would love to eradicate them from my life forever.
The Apostle Paul was no stranger to monsters in his own life. In Romans 7 we read, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me" (vv. 15-21). I find it interesting that the Apostle Paul is not that much different than me. He desired to do what was right and pleasing in God's eyes, and yet he had the tendency to do the exact opposite continually. I feel like a failure most of the time..but so did Paul. Just like him, I agree that God's law is good, but my flesh seems to find it a hobby to war against His law.
Two times in the past I have allowed anxiety to creep in and doubt not only two tremendous friends, but God's goodness overall. The first friend is about two years older than me, and no matter how many times she called me her little brother, I still doubted the validity of her truthfulness. The second friend I will be seeing up at Moody possibly, and what a grand jerk I was to her...to both girls really. These two girls shared with me the deepest, darkest secrets of their lives, and yet I trampled on what was oh so precious to them, actually assuming they were just using me as some emotional crutch. Now it's one thing to have strange thoughts flowing in and out of your mind, but to actually come out and say it to these old friends of mine and treating them like dirt (out of my own anxiety and stupidness)...I can only imagine the pain they felt...
Lust seems to be the most basic battle for men as we seek to live out a godly life. Me personally, I want to be a light to others. I find myself desiring strength continually from God to help lift up my friends and to carry out His message to a dying world. I want to be the sort of brother to all my precious Christian sisters where if they need strength, I will be there to freely disperse it. If my sisters need someone to tell them how pretty they look today, I want to be the first one to remind them of their beauty. I also desire to be a great godly man to my future wife one day, and to be the kind of husband who will not only nurture her heart, but be her best friend. Yet...I am quickly reminded of my weaknesses once I catch a glimpse of a girl wearing a short skirt during the summer and entertainign certain thoguhts. Instances like those make me feel like crud...How in the world can I be a light to my sisters when I find myself so drawn to such sinful attractions?
The point of this post? Specifically, I'm not unloading my failures and problems in "type form" like a guilty Roman Catholic, attending Confession in order to seek forgiveness. I am writing about these monsters of mine because of my guilt of actually basking in the continual praises I get for being this "superhuman Christian." I'm a sinner too, just like you, and just like you, I have broken God's law countless of times. I am the worst of the worst sinners I know, and if there was a guy who struggled more with sin, I'd be the heavyweight champion of the world. Echoing Paul's words, "I am the chief of sinners."
I seek to be more loving and caring to my darling Christian sisters, to be more humble while I am out evangelizing, more caring to my family, and more of a courageous warrior to even my "Moody family" whom I will also be spending at least a year with starting this upcoming Fall. I want to be a role model to my deciples who admire me so much, and the person people, whom I love so so dearly, go to whenever they need help...Yet how can I when I am in the nasty state of sin I am in? Paul goes on in Romans 7, " For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death" (vv. 22-24)?
Praise Him who is able to forgive me of my sins so exceedingly more than I can ask for. I love my Savior. This may have been a "spur in the moment" blog, and therefore lacks real substance and thought, but to echo the words of a particular sister I admire, "I'll often pursue expression at the expense of perfection."
"Thanks be to God-through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..." (Romans 7:25-8:1).
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