As This Year Went By...

Greetings!

It's been a long, long time since I stepped away from blogging. As the title suggests, a year has gone by, and now that I have a cup of water and a baked potato from TCC sitting right next to me, allow me to update y'all what has taken place this past year...

I've never experienced a place like Downtown Chicago before, and as the constant sight of the homeless walking up and down Chicago Avenue became the norm for anyone to see, Chicago became like a home away from home for me. The Moody Bible Institute was a phenomenal chapter in my life that I will never forget, even though I was only at the school for a year.

During my two semesters in Chicago, I dealt with two different roommates. My first was Joseph, a friend from my own church back home. It was during my first semester (his last semester) that the experience to be on my own was at times overwhelming, yet by God's grace, Joseph was there to show me the ropes around the city as well as the school. My second roommate was Dan, a transfer student from Nebraska, and while both roommates were of two totally different personalities (not just from each other, but from myself as well), I wouldn't take back a single day living with them on Culby 4.

Moody in and of itself was great! Chapel felt like an Advil at times after experiencing an intense migraine. To be able to hear from the front of the chapel room the echoes of hundreds of students singing to God in unison floored me week by week. The classes and professors were other great aspects to the school. Introduction to the Bible taught me more about textual criticism, and Christianity in Western Culture introduced me to Church history. Whenever I made a trip to the school gym, Solheim Center, it was fun to run into Dr. Litfin in the locker room for a quick chat before he left. Dr. Marty proved to be the school's "craziest" and "energetic" professor, despite his very old age. Over the year, I attributed him to the Puddy Patrol characters from the original Power Rangers television series. Professors became incredibly mimic able and as we shared laughs up on the floor from impersonations of them, as well as serious talks, floor prayer times, and fun Bro-Sis outings, Moody became the place where I could go to sleep at night and be secured that this place was not really a dream. God was working in the lives of every single person up at that school who had a heart for ministry.

Now before I paint a picture of Moody that suggests nothing bad ever happened up there, Moody, while being one of the best chapters of my life, proved to be one of the most challenging as well. My first semester, I was hired to work security in Hyde Park, which was a 30 minute ride by car, but a 2 hour trip by train/bus at night (I worked the midnight to morning shift, 40 hours a week). My attitude for the school went south, and as sleepless nights turned into sleepless days after work, I started to hate Chicago and hate Moody. Little things would irritate me completely, and if it wasn't for the help of my girlfriend at the time, caring friends including Joseph, and my Chicago pastor, I realized I needed to get out of this job, and sure enough by next semester, I quit.

My second semester had me face different challenges. While quitting my job proved to be the best choice, I faced the possibility of not being able to pay my entire school bill. I was jobless and in need of a job. Day by day, I worried whether the school would kick me out if I didn't make that last payment on time. So in my spare time, I searched high and low for a job, while trying to keep up with 15 credit hours and constant reading for those classes. At one point, I went in for an interview where they expected ME to pay them money! My faith in God's provision quickly diminished, yet it seems like whenever all hope for you seems lost, God tends to burst forth from your own hopelessness and show you the provision He provides. Over a period of 2 weeks, I received $800 total from Joseph, who at this point graduated from Moody. The next week, my tax return was estimated just the right amount to pay off my school bill! Coincidence...? I think not...ALL PRAISE BE TO GOD!!! HE DOES PROVIDE!!!

Now, let it be known that while Moody was a grand chapter in my life, it wasn't the BIGGEST part of this past year. Only one thing can fit into that category: my relationship with Morgan. How we met, in fact, was one of my favorite stories of how interesting God works: I met Morgan at TCC while I was, from week to week, doing some evangelism on the campus. We were both registered in the campus' Campus Crusade for Christ, and it was seemingly by "luck" she received my invitation email to come and join me for some evangelism if their schedule permitted. She replied back with an invite for a prayer group she was holding on campus.

When I actually met her...words could not describe how amazing she really was to me. At the time, I couldn't believe such a beautiful girl could be a God fearing woman at the same time! Yet at the time, I didn't want to pursue anyone, nor was I asking for God to bring someone into my life. So as we found out that we had mutual friends, and as I kept seeing her around campus, our friendship quickly grew, and over a span of 3-5 months, we actually became best friends, and yet it wasn't until the summer of 2010 that feelings on my end for her started to surface. At one point, Joseph, Morgan, and myself held our own prayer group at my house, and when Joseph left for his house, Morgan and I went to a local Starbucks to hang out some more. It was there that I confessed (with no romantic feelings or motives behind it, I assure you!) that if I were to have a wife one day, I would love her to be like her. Now...as she affirmed the same thing to me, something "clicked": I REALLY admired this girl! I LOVED her heart for the Lord and for people (among other qualities of course), and since I was going into the ministry, I needed those qualities in a wife! From that point on, weeks went by that were filled with much prayer for this phenomenal girl. Our friendship was a "lively one." We prayed together, spent time in the Word together, and never skipped a day without texting or calling each other. Finally, the night came as I expressed my feelings for her, to which I was floored that she has been attracted to me as well. The parents loved me, the most amazing girl loved me..."how could life get any better?" I thought...

My time at Moody came and went, and as our relationship grew, so did our knowledge of each other. We've been through fights and disagreements, and yet, we still saw each other as worth it to be with. As I came home though, things started to change...we both became irritable of each other, and as she was entering her second year of her Radiology program, I wondered that now that I was back home, where was the "us" time? I became annoyed at her schedule and was so puffed up with this superiority complex that seemingly demanded her to prioritize me into her life above anything else. After all, if you're considering marrying someone, shouldn't that automatically place them at the top of your priority list? We fought more than once per week, for weeks on end, and it finally took her to scare the living daylights out of me by saying that her feelings and emotions toward me were starting to change. As you could only imagine, what a scary thing to hear for a seemingly serious relationship, and sure enough it took this confession for me to realize how selfish I've become. I was asking too much of her than what she can give already. It was during this time as well that her grandfather was facing terrible health problems, and I could only speculate that between that, her clinicals in Dallas, and a demanding boyfriend, she just couldn't take all of this stress at once.

After her disclosing her emotions to me, both face to face with tears in her eyes and over the phone, I started seeking the Lord to give me an understanding heart, a heart that would put her needs above my own on MY priority list; a heart that would seek to do anything to try to help her with the stress in her life. I NEEDED to grow out of this self-centeredness so that I could please the woman whom had stuck with me through thick and thin while being away in Chicago. It was now MY turn to minister to her during this busy time in her life. Sure enough, with so much prayer, God gave me what she and I both desired: an understanding heart. Times were fantastic...I felt like I was finally doing something right for a change, that I'd finally reach a point I'd never dreamed of reaching. In fact, I could've gone on for days without talking with her, if she needed those days on end to study for tests. The clingy, emotionally disturbed, self-centered Nick was gone...the man I'd become was never what I thought I'd ever be, and she could see that and was happy...or so I thought.

In short, one night she called me requesting for a breakup, for reasons that are still unknown to me, as well as her. I felt like it was out of nowhere, as if I was talking to someone else. "What was the REAL reason for the breakup?" I thought. "Stress over school and work?" No, because personal stress towards school doesn't affect how you feel towards those you love. "Was she interested in someone else?" "Did I do something wrong?" These are some of the questions that have been racing through my head. She was and still is such an amazing, whose characteristics I still desire in a future wife. Yes, I felt jaded, hurt, angry, sad, confused, and even afraid of what was going on. In fact, some of those emotions I still am suffering from...Nevertheless, I believe God was doing SOMETHING in my relationship with my ex. Even though I still have questions, I can at least see that most of the characteristic issues I had would've never come to the surface for me to deal with had it not been for my Morgan to have brought them out for me to deal with myself. Looking back, I even see more aspects of my life that either need to be worked on or discarded, and I've chosen this time in my life to prepare with God for the woman He may give me in the future.

Who will she meet in the future? What men will cross her path between now and the time of her marriage? How many dates will she go on now that I'm out of the picture? Does she even think of me from time to time these days? Is she thinking of me now...? From the help of so many friends in my life, I've decided to stop analyzing what was the cause of the breakup, and currently I am asking the Lord to help me in my anxiety of what may happen in her life now, concerning relationships she may foster in the future. God has a very funny way of showing us that His will is the one we should be most concerned with, not ours. We are just a tiny speck in the existence He created, and what He decides to do with our lives is His will. Was my ex just a chapter in my life to prepare me for my wife in the future, or will Morgan and I meet up again in the future, more ready to be in a relationship with each other? I feel like the preverbal hamster on the wheel as I ponder on all the possibilities of what God's will may be, concerning the two of us. Nevertheless, no matter how difficult it may be for me to go throughout the days single AGAIN, I've chosen to trust my Father and to trust that He is working something in me so magnificently.

As I wrap up this post, I can be confident of at least three things the Lord has been and still is teaching me through all of this:

1) How not ready I am for a relationship just yet. It's so funny how even before the breakup, I looked back a year ago and saw a 19 year old who clearly wasn't ready for a relationship. It's even more funny for me to look at my past relationship and see God molding me into a man at least more ready to be in a relationship than before...while in a relationship (:p). Like I mentioned before, God has been showing me, through the breakup, certain aspects of my life that need growth, including more of a personal priority to guard my girlfriend's heart by leading the relationship in a way where she sees a man after God's own heart.

2) Contentment for where the Lord has me right now. I REALLY have a heart to get married, and have had one for as long as I could remember. Yet, I could be a very impatient man...Many times, I need circumstances like this recent breakup for God to reel in my passions and dreams, and to instead teach me to hold them in an open palm while relinquishing my desire to pursue what I want. As Christians, we should pursue what God wants, and...just maybe God wants me to wait a little more to to mature before starting up a relationship again.

3) To trust in His sovereignty all the while still being a brother in Christ to my ex. Ever since coming back home from Moody, God has placed in me a bigger heart for ministry, and that doesn't exclude ministry toward the brethren. Even though Morgan "dumped me," she is still my sister in Christ and a wonderful, amazing woman of God. Her heart for people is so astounding, and I can tell that she is willing to drop anything if it means to serve the Lord by serving others. Nevertheless, being her boyfriend these past 14 months, I was on the sidelines, so-to-speak, observing her busy life in action, from cramming information just in time to take 5-7 tests a week to enduring long hours at a hospital with very little sleep. She is a human with needs, and as her brother in Christ I am obligated to love her just as she is, while praying for her to have the strength and endurance to press on. If I'm not mistaken, I believe the norm after being dumped is for the dumped ex to have nothing but hatred for the other individual. Well...for one thing I stink at holding grudges, and for another, I'm a Christian, so I'm called to a higher standard: to emulate my Master and Savior, even to the point, in my prayers, to pray for her future husband, whoever He may be.

Currently, I am taking a Philosophy course, followed by a Kickboxing class at a local community college. I've been accepted at the College at Southwestern in Fort Worth, with already an apartment with three other men, one who is ironically an old friend and ministry partner from high school. I have no clue what the God has in store for me, nor do I know all the answers behind lingering questions in my head about recent turn of events. All I know is what Scripture tells me about the God I found up in the mountains of Colorado 4 years ago: that He is loving, compassionate, and faithful to His children.

"Dear Lord, take me wherever, mold me into whatever, and break me whenever I stray from You. Thank you for showing me that your love has no bounds, and that it is in Your love that I can find the most security in!"