Monsters

When you hear the word "monster" what pops up in your head? A three-head, sabertooth tiger with wings like a bat and 8 legs? Maybe you imagine our favorate Japanese monster from the classic "Godzilla" movies? I used to not believe in monsters, but in recent years my perspective has changed quite a bit from the one I had when I was that cute, adorable, chubby, Barney-loving little brat I was. Monsters are oh so real and have the ability to keep you away from that life you so desire for yourself. They have the ability to scratch, claw, and squeeze the life out of you until you drop. Monsters can take the form of just about anything, and depending on their form, can decieve others in thinking they aren't really there at all. Sounds strange? Well sometimes monsters can decieve us in a way where it will take us literally months or years for us to realize what kind of damage they have been causing in our lives. Don't believe me? Well my friend, I ask you in return, "why?"

Up until now this may seems silly coming from me. "Nick believing in monsters?" Well, before people think I have regressed to the age of diapers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the monsters I believe in are quite different than the ones you might find on tv or in books. My monsters have been a part of my very own life for a long, long time, and no matter how much I fight them, they seem to gain more strength over me, like some mutant bathing in a pool of radioactive sludge until he reaches the size of a skyscraper. "Time" seems to be their source of nutrition, and they are on that calorie-free diet for one purpose: to utterly make my life complicated and troublesome. Right now I think about the monster of Lust who seems to allure me with false promises and decieving looks, all the while strangling me until I fall in a ditch before my Savior. Anger brutally beats me with blow after blow in the face as I try to justify hating others who are more successful at life than I am. Jealousy has whipped me with it's tail plenty of times as I look upon the popular and "pretty" people. Anxiety has caused so many divisions in friendships I've made that it makes me want to break down and cry whenever I think about the people I have failed and caused misery. These monsters I hate so much, and if I can I would love to eradicate them from my life forever.

The Apostle Paul was no stranger to monsters in his own life. In Romans 7 we read, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me" (vv. 15-21). I find it interesting that the Apostle Paul is not that much different than me. He desired to do what was right and pleasing in God's eyes, and yet he had the tendency to do the exact opposite continually. I feel like a failure most of the time..but so did Paul. Just like him, I agree that God's law is good, but my flesh seems to find it a hobby to war against His law.

Two times in the past I have allowed anxiety to creep in and doubt not only two tremendous friends, but God's goodness overall. The first friend is about two years older than me, and no matter how many times she called me her little brother, I still doubted the validity of her truthfulness. The second friend I will be seeing up at Moody possibly, and what a grand jerk I was to her...to both girls really. These two girls shared with me the deepest, darkest secrets of their lives, and yet I trampled on what was oh so precious to them, actually assuming they were just using me as some emotional crutch. Now it's one thing to have strange thoughts flowing in and out of your mind, but to actually come out and say it to these old friends of mine and treating them like dirt (out of my own anxiety and stupidness)...I can only imagine the pain they felt...

Lust seems to be the most basic battle for men as we seek to live out a godly life. Me personally, I want to be a light to others. I find myself desiring strength continually from God to help lift up my friends and to carry out His message to a dying world. I want to be the sort of brother to all my precious Christian sisters where if they need strength, I will be there to freely disperse it. If my sisters need someone to tell them how pretty they look today, I want to be the first one to remind them of their beauty. I also desire to be a great godly man to my future wife one day, and to be the kind of husband who will not only nurture her heart, but be her best friend. Yet...I am quickly reminded of my weaknesses once I catch a glimpse of a girl wearing a short skirt during the summer and entertainign certain thoguhts. Instances like those make me feel like crud...How in the world can I be a light to my sisters when I find myself so drawn to such sinful attractions?

The point of this post? Specifically, I'm not unloading my failures and problems in "type form" like a guilty Roman Catholic, attending Confession in order to seek forgiveness. I am writing about these monsters of mine because of my guilt of actually basking in the continual praises I get for being this "superhuman Christian." I'm a sinner too, just like you, and just like you, I have broken God's law countless of times. I am the worst of the worst sinners I know, and if there was a guy who struggled more with sin, I'd be the heavyweight champion of the world. Echoing Paul's words, "I am the chief of sinners."

I seek to be more loving and caring to my darling Christian sisters, to be more humble while I am out evangelizing, more caring to my family, and more of a courageous warrior to even my "Moody family" whom I will also be spending at least a year with starting this upcoming Fall. I want to be a role model to my deciples who admire me so much, and the person people, whom I love so so dearly, go to whenever they need help...Yet how can I when I am in the nasty state of sin I am in? Paul goes on in Romans 7, " For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death" (vv. 22-24)?

Praise Him who is able to forgive me of my sins so exceedingly more than I can ask for. I love my Savior. This may have been a "spur in the moment" blog, and therefore lacks real substance and thought, but to echo the words of a particular sister I admire, "I'll often pursue expression at the expense of perfection."

"Thanks be to God-through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..." (Romans 7:25-8:1).