Personality Me This...Profile Me That...

The following is the result of being couped up in a hotel room in Madagascar because of a stomach flu while my ministry team is out sharing the Gospel: This past semester has just been another chapter in my life. As opposed to last Spring semester at Southwestern, I am currently content with where the Lord has me, geographically-speaking. I don't know where I left off in my last blog, but I entered Southwestern Seminary (the undergraduate program) so I can stay in the same state as my ex girlfriend while making money at the security job I had at the time. Once I got accepted, my ex broke up with me and within four months gets engaged, with I believe a baby on the way currently. Devastated,I honestly had no clue what to do with myself. The very thought that I left Moody Bible Institute for another school for reasons now non applicable killed me inside every day. However, the Lord has been gracious to me these past several months, and has taught me more about myself than ever before (man...I am such a rotten sinner inside). This past semester I felt like God was moving me from job to job on campus. I first started off in the cafeteria of my school. When I realized that the number of hours a week wouldn't cut it for me to afford school, rent, etc. I applied for campus security. At the time, catering needed help, so my cafeteria job transferred me over to catering, while still working for security. Later on, security offered me more hours to work with them, which caused my boss and I to agree to only be on-call for catering. Finally, security ended up firing me for not understanding all my tasks within a given amount of days and now I am working for a set-up crew on campus. Man...talk about being versatile around campus! Classes and new friends also came and went! This past semester was my first Greek class, and between Health Science, Bible Study Methods, and Systematic Theology 1, I would say Greek was my best class. Sure it was hard, but to be able to get an introductory course to Greek was phenomenal! I feel like I can already (to some extent of course) pick out words and phrases in the Greek New Testament. As to friends, I did meet several, especially in Bible Studies class. In fact, several weeks ago we all met up for bible study, and let me tell you, I felt that that bible study wasn't like those flimsy "bible studies" I was used to back in high school. No sir, we all were implementing what we had learned from Prof. Carpenter and I honestly cannot wait to see the group again when I go back to the States. Currently I am on a mission trip in Tulear, Madagascar! For more info on how that came about, visit lemur.coveras.com and read the first blog by Shae! Now to the good stuff! Currently what's on my mind is the subject of personality types and how compatibility effects a relationship between a man and a woman. The thought dawned on me this week as I, in a depressing way, realized that I honestly could not talk to certain friends of mine in a way I would like to. For me, I view talking as a means to attain a purpose. If there is no purpose in talking, than why do it in the first place? That might seem cruel, but as I see other members of my team talking and having fun with each other, the thought that I was too boring of a guy hit me like a wooden plank to the head. In my arsenal of friends I do have people I can talks hours with, but then there are others whom I, for some weird reason, cannot think of more than 5 topics to talk about. Thinking back, I never used to struggle with this. As the thought dawned on me even more last night, I wondered, "How is this going to affect my future? How is this even going to affect who I will be 'compatible' with in the future?" The Bible only gives a few things of what to look for in a wife...1) She must be a Christian, 2) She must not be a woman who causes dissensions, and 3)She must aim for Proverbs 31. Granted, the last idea isn't saying she has to be this "Christian among Christians," but merely that she has a heart for the Lord and wants to grow in her Christian walk into a godly woman of our King. Often times I do wonder what "she" will be like. Blonde hair or red? Dark skin or light? Blue eyes or brown? Tall or short? Last Spring semester I got into the habit of waking up every morning at 5 to do my quiet time, and I always end my prayer time in the same fashion: praying for my future wife. Now, this isn't a time where I give God my list of physical qualities I would like in a woman, but that I would lift her up, whoever she is, and pray for God's protection and guidance in her life. Since I plan on being a pastor someday, I also pray that the Lord will prepare her for a hard life of ministry ahead of her by my side. This past year, I've had several rejections from girls, often ending with the, "I have many godly guy friends, and I just see us as friends" card. Even though confidence is important in getting to know a girl, it apparently isn't all. One girl gave me a "no" without even a second thought or prayer behind my request to get to know her. Another was creeped out at the fact that a I asked her out to coffee. I'm not going to lie and say that I am smooth with women, but with each rejection, especially the last one I had, I find me asking myself, "What did I do wrong? Is it me? Is it because I am not attractive or is it because this woman has spotted a "red flag" in my life?" The last one I had really rocked me due to the fact that I've spent months in prayer for this girl. The reason for the rejection was because of personality... Each girl has said that I was a godly man, but can't that be enough for them? If I have successfully built relationships with these women over the years, why can't they even have me as an option in their lives? I distinctly remember a time when depression overcame me after asking a girl friend that I've been praying for for a while now if I could get to know her a bit more actively, even laying out my intentions on the table. Laying in my bed in the dark is probably not the best coping mechanism in the world, but that's what I did as thoughts came flooding in my mind of "the perfect guy" and me standing right next to him. Then, I could smell Satan's dirty breath as he whispers in my ear that I was a loser and that this was expected of my life. I mean, since I sucked in my last relationship and didn't know how to even lead a woman, that this was my punishment; this pain I felt was the result of my immaturity to be in a relationship in the past. Satan is quite an interesting character when it comes to our spiritual life. The Bible paints him in the most colorful terms. Here are just a few: Accuser (Rev. 12:10), Adversary (1 Peter 5:8), Angel of the bottomless pit (Rev. 9:11), Enemy (Matthew 13:39), Murderer(John 8:44), and Tempter (Matthew 4:3). So, from this short list of names for Satan, what does that tell you about him? If you were the CEO of a business firm and he were to walk into your office for an interview and hands over "his resume'" of names, would you hire them? Well, just like the rest of us I hope you wouldn't. My good friend Shae, while on this trip, even reminded me to not let Satan get a foothold while I was in the midst of depression. Poor girl, I should've listened to that blessed sister of Christ. Instead, I "spat" in the face of her encouragement and instead reveled in my self-pity and lies the Accuser was giving me to play with in my little head. A big struggle I had, especially after the breakup with my ex girlfriend was finding my identity in having a girlfriend, so much so that every single day I was not happy unless the girl I liked acknowledged me in some way shape, or form. Hmmm...smells like idolatry maybe? As I looked around my school campus, it seemed like half the college was getting married this past summer break! "Ring by Spring" turned to "Get 'Er by Summer" and there I was in the middle of it all. It wasn't until a good friend of mine sat down with me and explained the error of my thinking. Instead of allowing your identity or self-worth be found in a girlfriend, I should be finding my worth in Christ. Since that late night talk, my perspective has changed for the better! No matter what status or season of life I am in, Christ loves me with an everlasting love! That's a love you cannot buy or receive from anyone. In closing, earlier this week I was walking outside my hotel in Madagascar and thinking why in the world have I gotten rejections this past year? Did I do something I shouldn't have, or did I not do something I should've? Should I have been more discreet or should I have been more blunt? Then, all of a sudden, while in the midst of my mental list of things I probably could've done, I realized that in the end it didn't really matter what I did. I am not the one who is in control. I am not that one who is sovereign. I am not the one who can move hearts. No, that's God's job. "But," my thoughts would interject, "this woman is like nobody else! I've read her blogs. I've seen how she lives and disciples women. I see her maturity and heart for the Lord. There must be a way where I could win over her heart!" Yet I could feel God reeling in my eagerness in and reminding me that He is in control. JUST MAYBE the reason why I was accumulating this rejections from women is because the one He has in store for me wasn't any of them, and JUST MAYBE He is saving the best for last for me. JUST MAYBE He is preparing me even more for this woman He has in store for me. Granted, I didn't feel better immediately, but looking back, I should've known better than to fret. Case in point, God is in control, and if He wanted to, He could bring together the most unlikely pair into a marriage just to display His glory. In the end, nothing is impossible for God, and personality types can never thwart the plans of God. Now the hard part is to live in such a way where we are not worried about His plans for our lives.